I’ve been trying to own up to my whack decisions & behaviour, and a big one was mixing up self-reliance with independence. I view people getting close to me as a threat to my independence, not owning that I, like all humans, need other people. When we rely on each other, we’re better primed to take more risks, responsibility, grow and be more self-reliant, but my personal story made me think I had to do it on my own. What I feel like this skewed mindset creates is a bunch of lonely loners. …
Sometimes we call it depression when it’s much more complicated than that. When life gets overwhelming, and we don’t have the energy, tools, strategies, and bandwidth to deal with it, we resign to the idea that something is just wrong with us; and that can often be the furthest from the truth.
Many of our choice either help or hurt our ability to deal with all the shit life throws us. …
Democracy is a super interesting social experiment. It’s one of the few ways of governing that makes room to adjust and evolve. Many of the largest democracies in the world hardly feel like everyone has a voice, but there are tiny opportunities to change that; those tiny opportunities are better than the non-existent opportunities in other places of the world.
Sometimes we have a choice, sometimes it’s only an illusion of choice, and sometimes there’s no choice at all. Regardless, there’s always an opportunity to amplify voices, take actions, get involved, and be more informed.
“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others” — (not Winstin…
A survival mechanism we have is to ignore things that are going well and focus on things out of place. This kept us from getting eaten by the dinosaurs and skinny dipping into volcanos. It’s the reason you can’t smell things in your house, and don’t notice 99% of the things happening in life. Our brains have to decide what’s important and what should be disregarded. This was great back then, but now, it’s become a massive source of anxiety for us.
The fact that you’re reading this means most of your life is going well. You have the basic necessities, your part of the minority of the world who can read and the even smaller minority of the world who has access to the internetz. Our brains aren’t concerned with this, instead it’ll have us focus on the things that are out of place, and then have those things trigger our fight or flight responses (aka stress). …
One silver lining of social media is that it’s showing self-aware people what it means to be addicted and in an abusive relationship. We’re all addicted to our devices, and the majority of time we spend on them, they’re hurting us.
Yes, there’s cute videos of puppies, and uplifting stories, and nice quotes/captions from handsome bearded rappers, but that’s a thin slice compared to a giant pie of trash that impacts our focus, self-worth, priorities, and self-pity. But still we return, addicted to those rare, unexpected moments of wonderful; just like having an abusive partner.
I’m hoping this encourages a level of compassion towards people who are caught in these abusive situations, and struggle with addiction of any variety. Social media has shown us that none of us are immune to this, so we shouldn’t judge others who are in these challenging spots. …
I’m not going to patronize you and say “we all have the same 24 hours as #Beyonce”. The truth is, nobody has the same freedoms to use their time, but that doesn’t mean we can’t improve how we spend it.
The first thing I would encourage is to realize that life doesn’t owe us, and even if we didn’t start in a position of privilege, we’re able to create progress. That progress might be chipping away at debt, or turning a million into 10, depending on where you are. …
Impressing people we don’t know, or don’t like shouldn’t be more important than feeling good about ourselves.
Impressing those that matter to us in life feels good, but when it takes us away from who we authentically are, then that becomes a problem. For a lot of people, that’s living up to family expectations, for others, it’s society (whatever that means), and for others, it’s an invisible bunch of strangers on the internet who have the power to say your cancelled (whatever that means).
Other people’s opinions feel like they matter, because it’s how we better understand ourselves. But when push comes to shove, we have to remember that we’re the only ones living our lives, and if we’re not honouring who we are, then who will? There’s no honour in sacrificing your being to keep others happy; that’s just romanticizing being a people pleasure. …
95% of our decisions are subconscious. We stick to invisible scripts and are bound to invisible tracks that can decide our life. We are influenced by what we consume on TV, social media, religion, the cultures we were brought up in.
Often we think we’re making choices and know what’s important to us, when really, we just haven’t recognized the outside influences that have been telling us who to be in the world.
Our salvation comes from self-awareness, that means paying attention to ourselves, picking up on our patterns, asking ourselves uncomfortable questions, and recognizing how much everything else has played a part in molding us. …
I miss over 75% the events I’m invited to — weddings, birthdays, friends having kids — name the milestone, and I’ve probably had to miss a few.
Unfortunately the life I chose doesn’t always allow me to make all the functions folks want me to attend, and I’m okay with that. Most of my people try to be understanding, but some don’t, and like those before them, decide guilt and shame are weapons to use against me. I don’t take it personal, anyone that guilts and shames us is usually a victim of it themselves, all I can do is encourage them to break the cycle. To say YES to anything means saying NO to something else, and in order to have the life we want, we’re going to have to do more letting go than adding on. One day my life will be over, my energy spread, beard strands floating in space, and all the social obligations I made or missed really won’t matter. I’m going to exist the way I chose, because then I’ll have no one to resent for preventing me from doing so. Sometimes this means letting go of things, people and ideas of the past to make room for ones in the future. My journey started alone, and even in a room of loving family members, will still close alone, and although that’s not the most romantic thought, it is one that frees us to pursue our enthusiasms. What is the life you want to gain? What is the life you want to let go? Leave a comment. …
I thought if the RIGHT people liked me, it would make up for all the pain I carried dealing with racism & rejection as a kid. I always felt like an outsider, either for the way I looked, or for the way I thought, so gaining validation from the ‘mainstream’ became something I chased, without being aware of it.
We adjust & adapt to others so subtly, we may not even realize we do it. Sometimes it’s putting on the “white accent” to sound more professional, other times it’s laughing at jokes that shouldn’t have been said. The After School Specials promised us real friends if we just stayed true to ourselves, but the real world rewarded us for blending in; what we didn’t realize at the time, was that blending in was slowly making us invisible. ⠀
As time went on, the rewards for being myself started to sprout, but none of it matters if I didn’t like me, so I kept searching for my “right” people to validate me. ⠀
People thought I was cool because @therock would send me love on IG, or because I got on a big Podcast, or because I was hanging with that pretty girl, but those dopamine ego strokes were temporary, and did nothing to address any lack of peace I had within. ⠀
It is important for the “right” person to like you, but we have to remember that “right” person is YOU. If we don’t feel good about who we are, it doesn’t matter what others think, we’ll just fall into the endless trap of people-pleasing. Maybe that people-pleasing is a bright lamborghini, or a photo with alot of skin, or a faux-woke black square. ⠀
Caring what other people think is engrained into our DNA as a survival method, but we have to see the damage it’ll cause if we make that more important than how we feel about ourselves. ⠀
Let’s focus on what really matters to us, and feel better doing that. It feels good to be validated by others, but it feels better to build self respect by sticking to my word, doing hard shit, & giving more help than I ask for. ⠀
There is no “in-crowd”, there’s only people happy in their own skin, and people trying desperately to find their worth from everyone else around them. ⠀
Choose wisely. …